Tough Times

The past two months have been a tough time for my boyfriend. In May he found out that his great-grandmother had passed away at the age of eighty-four. I didn’t get the chance to meet her, but I knew that they were very close. He had lived with her for a majority of his life before he decided to move in with his grandfather. She was one of the most important members of his family to him. She helped him get his first job, helped him get his driving permit, and helped him mature into the man he’s become. She was like a second mother to him.

We had just gotten up when his mom called him to tell him the news. It was the first time that I had seen him cry and I hated that there was nothing I could really do to console him. It was awkward for me to go through the process of planning the funeral and getting his suit, but I knew that he needed me there with him. He needed the support that he’s shown me since finding out he was going to be a father. I thought that would be the worst that May had to throw at him.

Little did we know that the day after finding out his “Nanny” had passed, his “Paw-Paw” broke the news that he had stage four lung cancer and there was nothing the doctors could do to help him. They had given him six months to live and could only help him with managing his pain. Watching my boyfriend have to grieve for two of the most important people to him, with only one day between them, was one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever had to do. I wanted so bad to take away his pain, but there was no way for me to shield him from this. He had just said goodbye to his “Nanny” and he knew that very soon he would have to say goodbye to his “Paw-Paw.”

We didn’t realize that those six months would actually mean approximately two more months. His “Paw-Paw” has slowly gotten sicker and these past two days have been the hardest to watch. I think they all know that the time is coming when they’re gonna have to go through the grieving process again, but I don’t think any of them want to admit it. My boyfriend says that this is just his Paw-Paw getting used to the new medications that they’ve put him on. I don’t know if he actually believes that or is just trying to make himself feel better. I don’t want to be rude to him and point out that this might be the last month he has with his Paw-Paw, but I also don’t want him to be blindsided when things go south.

I know that he’s just really devastated that his grandfather won’t be there when our child is born; that’s the only thing I’ve been able to help him with since he lost his great-grandmother. I feel the same way since losing my “Maw-Maw” a year ago. It’s hard to know that the person you lost was there for the important milestones for your other family members but can’t be there for yours. I would give anything to have her be there for my delivery and I know that my boyfriend prays that his grandfather will be there for it. I’ve been trying to get him to understand that his grandfather will be there in spirit and that he will be so proud of him.

I wish that things hadn’t happen so fast and that he didn’t have to lose two loved ones in such a close proximity, but that’s just the way God planned it out to be. I know with time that my boyfriend will be able to understand that; I just wish I could protect him from the pain and suffering that he’s going to go through. I know that there’s no way I can, but I’d do anything for this to be a time when he could just focus on being a father and not have to add heartbreak on top of it.

Juvenile Jealousy

I know technically I’m not a single mother since I’m dating the father of my child, but a part of me still thinks that I am allowed to call myself a single mom. I guess I’m just stuck on the fact that the baby will obviously be with me more at my house than at my boyfriend’s house. It will be me that does most of the parenting, unless we move in together by the time the baby comes. I just keep thinking about how much my life has changed since finding out and how little my boyfriend’s life has changed. Does it make me a bad person to be jealous of him? So far the only thing that has changed about his lifestyle is that he’s missed a couple days of work to be with me when I wasn’t feeling good. Now don’t get me wrong, I love how my life has changed since knowing I was pregnant; I just don’t get how his lifestyle hasn’t been altered in the slightest. Maybe it’s because the father doesn’t have to give up as much as the mother does. Learning that I had to give up coffee was one of the biggest struggles I’ve gone through since I was the girl who drank five cups a day. I know that caffeine isn’t healthy for babies, so it wasn’t that a big a deal to me to quit, but I just noticed how my boyfriend hasn’t had to give anything up. Will there come a time when he will have to sacrifice something like I have? I feel like I’m having to go through so many changes while he’s just sitting passenger in all of this. In just one month of knowing I was expecting, my life has done a complete flip flop; I went from worrying about what to do the next weekend to worrying about how the heck I’m going to raise a child. I don’t know if it’s normal to be jealous of how easy it seems like all of this is on the father, but I have no shame in admitting that I am jealous of him. He just gets to soak up all the “congratulations” that we get, while I’m actually having to go through changes everyday. I try not to let my jealousy get the better of me but, I’m not going to lie, sometimes it makes me so mad to see him doing things that I can no longer do. I know I’m being silly about it all. I know that his life has changed as well as mine. I kind of wish it was bigger changes that he was going through but maybe it’ll happen with time. Maybe I just keep expecting other people’s lives to change because of how drastically mine has.

First Comes Baby, then Comes Marriage??

You know how the old saying goes “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.” What about those that get the order mixed up? Does having a child with someone mean that the next plausible step is to marry them?I always thought I’d meet someone in college, fall in love, get married, and then have children. Now that I’m unmarried and expecting a child, I realize just how silly those expectations were. I honestly know more people who had children before they were married, and some who never married the father of their kids. I’m not talking down to those for are fortunate enough to be married and then have babies, but I do think people need to stop looking down on those that don’t follow that mold. All throughout my childhood, I was told to follow those exact same steps and to only have a child once I’d been married for a certain amount of time. I think the fact that I’m not married is a reason why my family is not having a good reaction to me being pregnant. I think they expected me to follow those steps completely. I’m not saying we should tell our children that they should just skip marriage and head straight to having babies, but I do think that once they reach a certain age, we need to talk to them about how sometimes things don’t always go as planned. I think we need to tell our children that we will support them if any accidents happen and that it’s okay not to follow the norm. My personal belief is that having a baby with someone, isn’t enough of a reason to marry them. I just don’t think a having a baby should suddenly mean marriage. I believe that two people can be in a relationship and raise a child just like two married people. If my boyfriend asked me to marry him, I would honestly say no, because it would only be because I was pregnant with his child. If we’d been engaged or at least dating for longer, then I would gladly say yes to his proposal. I just believe that marriage should be based on loving someone so much you want to spend the rest of your life together.A baby can show you sides of your relationship that you couldn’t even dream of. If you can raise a little human with someone, then you can love each other enough to wait until you’re both absolutely ready for marriage. Postponing a wedding won’t make the love go away, if anything it’ll show you just how much love there is between the both of you. I got very lucky that my boyfriend agrees with me on this topic. We both know that we’ve only been dating a few months and that we don’t know enough about each other to get married. We both know that our love for the other will be there until we’re ready for marriage, even if it’s years down the road. I think as a society, we need to learn to be more empathetic and understanding to those that aren’t able to follow the status quo. Instead of judging those that have babies before marriage, we should offer them help and advice on how to grow closer and raise a remarkable child together.

Simple Support

Ever since I was little, my family was the only group of people I knew I could count on to support me through anything. They were there for all my academic success, through every rough break-up, and through every moment of losing my grandmother. I never thought there would be a time when the majority of my family didn’t support me.

It’s been one week since I told my family that I was expecting, and it’s all been a giant down-hill slope since then. I have cousins who aren’t talking to me and a twin that can’t seem to understand that accidents happen. My mom hasn’t all out rejected the news, but she also didn’t accept it the way she did when my older sister was pregnant with her first child. I know that the news was a shock to everyone, but if I can accept it, then why can’t they?

Everyone keeps telling me that they need time to wrap their minds around it. I don’t understand why that’s an excuse to talk about me behind my back or to say half the horrible things that have been said to my face. I know that the timing isn’t perfect. I know that I haven’t been with my boyfriend for that long. I know that I’m not at the best job. But I also know that this baby will not lack for anything. I know that my boyfriend is so excited to be a father. I know that all of this was in God’s plan for me, and who are we to question His timing. He knew what I needed at this point in my life, and He decided that what I needed was my unborn baby. I don’t know how that can’t be enough for my family to be okay with this.

My boyfriend’s family has accepted me with open arms, and not one of them was as upset as my family has been. None of his family has said that we wouldn’t work out as a couple. His family is the only one who’s asked me about the doctor appointments and made sure that I was okay. Every time I see one member of his family, they ask me if I’m okay or if I need anything. My family hasn’t even asked about the doctor appointment. My family hasn’t asked if I’m doing okay with this. They are all so focused on being disappointed in me, that none of them have thought to ask me how I feel about being a new mom.

It’s really shocked me how little my family has chosen to support me. I knew that the news would be a shock to them, but I didn’t think they would just shut me out and only mention me when they want to talk bad about me. I didn’t think that carrying a child would suddenly make me the black sheep of the family. I don’t know how I’m suppose to forgive their actions now, when the baby comes. Do I just forget how rude and uncalled for they were to me and my boyfriend? Do I just let it all go because they’re my family? I don’t know if I have enough will power to do that.

I really just wish that they supported me, even if it was in the smallest ways. It would mean the world to me to have one member ask me how I’m doing; to ask me how the doctor visit went. It’s really hard on me knowing that they have supported me through so much, but they can’t seem to support me through this. I don’t know how these next eight months are going to go, but I pray that it doesn’t get any worse than this. I pray that they are able to put their opinions aside and offer me just some simple support in this journey.

Stress Monster

I’ve always been prone to stress. Ever since I was little, I would worry about any and everything. I used to contribute that to just wanting to be prepared for all possibilities. A couple years ago, when I was a junior in high school, I was diagnosed with anxiety and suddenly it all made sense. All the nights where I worked myself up so much that I’d go into a panic attack; all the times whenever one thing would go wrong and I would freak out because I didn’t take into account that something could go wrong. I thought I had gotten a hang on my anxiety and was learning to stop stressing so much, but ever since finding out that I’m pregnant, I’ve been more worried than ever.

I know that freaking out over having a kid is completely normal and I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, when I just found out a week ago. I always told myself that I wouldn’t have a baby until I was financially ready. I didn’t want my baby to lack for anything, so finding out that I’m pregnant, when I only make $60 a week at my job, has turned me into the biggest stress monster out there. I’m worried that I won’t find a job in accounting by the time the baby comes. I’m worried that my boyfriend won’t be able to find a full time job with benefits. I’ve applied to hundreds of jobs since graduating college and I haven’t heard back from any of them. I don’t want to wait until after I’m showing to get a job interview, cause I’m scared that they’ll turn me down because I’m pregnant.

I’ve been so stressed here lately but I just can’t stop myself. A part of me wants to be a stay-at-home mom and make sure my child is fully taken care of, but the other part thinks that we won’t make enough money or support from my family so that I can do that. I’ve never wanted to put my baby in a daycare because I’ve heard many horror stories about how babies can be treated, and I always wanted to watch my baby until they were old enough to tell me if anything bad happened. Now that I’m only 21 and not financially prepared, I think that I’m going to have to get any full time job offered to me and pray for the best daycare to accept my baby.

I’m planning on looking up ways for stay-at-home moms to make an income, and I really hope that I find something that works for me. If anyone has a way to make being a stay-at-home mom work on a budget, please tell me in the comments. I need all the help I can get now. I know that I would be way worse if my baby was in some daycare and I was at work for hours at a time. I don’t think my anxiety could handle not knowing what was happening to my child. Right now I just need a lot of faith that this will all work out. I know that God has a plan for us all, so I’m trying to remind myself that He knows the best outcome for me.

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This is Me

Hello all!

My name is Hallie and two weeks ago I got some news that flipped my world upside down. Before I get into that, let me tell you a little about myself. I am a freshly graduated college student who has spent the last three years dedicated to studying accounting. I am from a small, middle-of-nowhere-town in Alabama. The kind of town where everyone knows everything about everyone. I am twenty-one years old and am actively trying to figure out how this whole adult thing works.

Just when I think the hardest part about being in the “real world” is trying to find a job in my field of study, I found out one Thursday that I was pregnant. It still feels weird for me to say those words. I AM PREGNANT. I still feel like I’m in a dream and none of this feels real. I heard it was normal to feel like this, and I really hope that it is. I wasn’t expecting this little bundle of joy, and I’m completely terrified that I’m not going to be ready in nine months. I’m only six weeks right now, so I know I have plenty of time to get used to the idea of having my own child. I’m just so nervous that things could go wrong so I decided to make this blog to help me gain some control over all these thoughts that keep popping into my head.

I’m hoping that this blog becomes a place where young and expecting mothers can come together and no that they aren’t alone in this. I know that even with the support of your family and the father, that things can still seem intimidating since you are the one carrying a baby and not them. That’s why I hope that by sharing my experiences, I’ll meet some incredible women who know what I’m going through. I’m hoping to gain some of the most invaluable advice from this community.

I hope you all stick with me as I’m trying to figure out this whole blogging thing. This will be the first blog that I’ve made so any and all advice would be amazingly helpful.

Thank you all so much for reading just this post!

Have a fantastic day!