Feeling Like a Failure

The past couple of days have been tough for me to go through. I had a disagreement with my boyfriend’s mom about our income situation. I know that working two days a week and earning $60 isn’t going to provide enough, but that doesn’t mean I’m not trying to find a job.

I’ve been applying to anything and everything since before I knew I was expecting. I’ve been trying to find a better job since I graduated college in May. I’ve been doing my best and it hurts that no one seems to see that. Everyone wants to ignore how hard I’ve been trying and just focus on the fact that I haven’t found a job.

It’s been hard not to feel like a failure during this pregnancy so far. I feel like I should have done so much more. I feel like I should have more baby items stocked up and more money saved up. It’s like everything has been piling up all at once and I’m having to deal with it all at one time. It’s been very hard to keep up with it all.

If you know someone is going through a lot of changes, then don’t feel the need to hound them and make them feel worse. Hearing his mom tell me that I HAVE to find a job before I start showing was one of the hardest things to keep silent about. I feel like she shouldn’t have said anything in the first place because it’s not her life or business.

I know and respect that she worries about her son and her grandchild but I also know that I’m doing all I can do and will provide the best life for my child. I’m not going to make this seem like a hissy-fit, but I will say that people need to take a step back sometimes and second guess if their opinion is really needed. Just because you may think someone needs to hear something, if they haven’t expressed concern to you, then please don’t tell them how to live their life.

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The Size of an Apricot

I love seeing how much my baby has grown every week. Thursday’s have become one of my favorite days of the week because I wake up to the notification that my baby has grown some more. Every time I see the picture of what the size of my baby is, I just get so happy.

I start thinking about how much will change when baby gets here and instead of being scared out of my mind, like I was at first, I’m overcome with excitement. I can’t wait to hold my little monster and see if it looks more like me or it’s daddy. I can’t wait to dress it up in the cutest clothes and be the person on Facebook that annoys everyone by posting so many pictures of their newborn.

With my nieces starting school this week (one is going into second grade, while the other starts kindergarten,) I can’t help but think about my baby going to school. It makes me so happy to daydream about the future with my little one, even if I do get scared about how fast time flies.

I can’t believe I’m almost into my second trimester. It feels like only yesterday I took the pregnancy test and saw the positive plus sign appear. I’ve gone through so many emotional changes throughout these past three months and I know it’s only the start of it, but I know that it’s all going to be worth it when I hold my little bundle of joy for the first time.

Sassy Baby

Last week I wrote about the bleeding scare I had on Monday. After being discharged from the hospital, I made a follow up appointment with my primary doctor to double check that Baby “P” was a-okay.

I went to the appointment and was told they couldn’t pick up the heartbeat on the Doppler machine they used. I’ve never been more scared in my life. I didn’t realize how nerve wrecking it was to wait for the doctor to come in and tell me they were sending me to get an ultrasound.

The nurse who does the ultrasound is one of the nicest people I have ever met. She was so considerate and comforting while setting everything up. The minute she told me she could see Baby P, I felt the biggest relief. It felt like the entire breath was knocked out of me.

After taking some new measurements of the baby, the nurse starting giggling a little bit. I didn’t know what to think until she turned on a big monitor that displays what is shown on their machine. I couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of Baby P on the screen with its tongue sticking out!

I’ve never seen anything like it. The baby’s tongue was just a tiny little point on the ultrasound. It’s like the baby knew how worried it made me and was trying to lighten the mood. I knew right then and there that I was going to have one very sassy child growing up. I would go through all the worry and stress again just to feel that immediate joy when seeing my baby sticking its tongue out at me.

7 hours of worry

Yesterday morning I woke up and had the biggest scare of my life; I was bleeding and didn’t know what to do. I immediately freaked out and woke up my boyfriend to actually see if I was bleeding and not just imagining it. When he confirmed that it was blood, I lost all control over myself. All I wanted was to know my baby was okay.

I called my primary doctor and was told that he was out of the office and there was nothing they could do. I felt like I’d made the worse mistake in picking them to be my Ob-Gyn during my pregnancy. As a first time expectant mom, “we can’t do anything” is not what I expected to here from them. I just hung up the phone and called my mom to take me to the emergency room.

I never expected the emergency room to be 7 hours worth of torturous worry. When we got to the ER, I had to wait two hours just to get checked at the triage center. It wasn’t just the wait that scared me, but there were two men who had a virus that decided to sit next to us. I was so worried I was going to catch something from them and make this entire situation worse.

I don’t know why, but I thought that when you were pregnant and went to the hospital for bleeding, they’d immediately take me back to get an ultrasound. I was so wrong in that thought. It took another hour to get taken back to a room in the emergency room just to take a pregnancy test. They made me wait three hours to confirm that I was pregnant and them sent me to a woman’s center to get looked at.

When I got to the woman’s center, I thought “okay, now they’re going to do an ultrasound and look for a heart beat.” But no, it was another three hour wait until I was taken to the ultrasound room. I couldn’t watch the nurse do it because I was so scared that her face would give something away. I thought she’d tell me right then that the baby had a heart beat and was okay, but all I got was “the doctor will be up shortly to read the results.”

After another hour of waiting with no word from anyone, the doctor finally comes in and says that they detected a heart beat and that was all they could do. They told me that since there was a heart beat, they couldn’t keep me for observation and to make a follow up appointment with my primary doctor.

I didn’t expect to be waiting seven hours for one ultrasound and one doctor to see me. I thought they took bleeding seriously and I’m shocked at how impersonal everyone was about the whole thing. I’m so grateful that there was a heart beat and that the baby was okay, but I didn’t feel like the doctors there really cared if I was miscarrying.

It would have been the worse thing to have waited seven hours to receive the worse news of my life, so I know it could have been far worse. I just didn’t expect to be kept in a room for so long and not one doctor examine me. It was just the longest day yesterday and I have never felt so happy to be home.

Worry Warrior

Last night I had my first medical scare since finding out I’m pregnant. I developed this rash around my mouth that appeared in the morning and, by the time I went into work at four p.m., my mouth was selling and burning so bad that I just couldn’t handle it.

I felt like I’d been sprayed in the face with pepper spray. I tried to ignore it and continued to work until about two hours into my shift. I couldn’t smile and greet the customers, at the restaurant where I work, without my face hurting. I called my sister and asked her to meet me at the after hours clinic.

The entire drive there I had some of the most outrageous thoughts go through my head. I thought about how the fetus could have a food allergy and I had ate something that bothered the baby. I thought about how I was having a reaction to the baby itself. I was just so worried that I couldn’t stop myself from freaking out over things I knew weren’t going on.

When I finally got seen by the doctor and he told me I had developed hand, foot, and mouth disease, I was so worried that my little nugget would have it too. I know that the fetus couldn’t possibly develop the same disease while in the womb, but the thought drove me crazy enough that I had to ask the doctor if there was a slight change I could pass it onto my baby.

After the doctor reassured me that my child was absolutely okay, you’d think I’d have calmed down a little, but of course the worry warrior in my head kept on. I worried about the medicine the doctor prescribed me being safe for my baby. I know I can trust the doctor since he went to school for this knowledge but that didn’t stop me from bugging my boyfriend and mom about the medicine.

I got myself so worked up that I broke the number one rule when you’re sick – I Googled the medicine and saw so many sites saying mixed things about them. Some said they were safe to take, while others said they could cause cleft lip in the fetus. I knew better than to believe everything the websites told me, but I still didn’t feel better about taking the medicine. I ended up messaging my Ob-Gyn and asking if he approved of the prescriptions.

My boyfriend said I was ridiculous for messaging my doctor and not trusting the one at the after-hours clinic, and I couldn’t get him to understand that all new moms worry about everything when it comes to their baby. I know that they probably don’t worry as much as me but that’s something I’ve always been prone to do.

I do know that I need to cut back on my worrying since excessive stress can be harmful to my baby but I just want my little nugget to be as safe and healthy as possible.

First time seeing Baby

Today was the first day I got to see my little nugget. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life. I had such a hard time picking between watching the monitor or watching the look on my boyfriend’s face.

I was so nervous about going into my first trimester visit today; I knew I was going to have to give blood and I’ve always been afraid of needles. I was so anxious that I made myself sick pulling into the hospital, but seeing my little nugget made all of it worth it. The moment the nurse pulled up the picture all I could see was my bundle of joy.

I was shocked at how much it looked like a baby. I don’t know why, but I thought I wouldn’t be able to recognize the baby. I expected it to be like Rachel Green and not see the baby in the ultrasound, but I knew right away where my nugget was. I know it sounds silly but I’m still amazed at the fact that I have a tiny human in me.

The best part about the entire visit was seeing my baby move around. I didn’t expect it to be wiggling around so much and I didn’t even know it. My little nugget was moving around so much and it’s little heartbeat was so strong. I’ve been feeling like this entire experience was a dream, but seeing the ultrasound made it so much more real to me.

My boyfriend was in love the second the nurse found the baby. He couldn’t stop laughing and smiling and I couldn’t stop watching him. It was so hard for me to stop looking at his happiness and watch the monitor. I’ve never seen him so joyous. It was one of those moments I will always remember.

Tough Times

The past two months have been a tough time for my boyfriend. In May he found out that his great-grandmother had passed away at the age of eighty-four. I didn’t get the chance to meet her, but I knew that they were very close. He had lived with her for a majority of his life before he decided to move in with his grandfather. She was one of the most important members of his family to him. She helped him get his first job, helped him get his driving permit, and helped him mature into the man he’s become. She was like a second mother to him.

We had just gotten up when his mom called him to tell him the news. It was the first time that I had seen him cry and I hated that there was nothing I could really do to console him. It was awkward for me to go through the process of planning the funeral and getting his suit, but I knew that he needed me there with him. He needed the support that he’s shown me since finding out he was going to be a father. I thought that would be the worst that May had to throw at him.

Little did we know that the day after finding out his “Nanny” had passed, his “Paw-Paw” broke the news that he had stage four lung cancer and there was nothing the doctors could do to help him. They had given him six months to live and could only help him with managing his pain. Watching my boyfriend have to grieve for two of the most important people to him, with only one day between them, was one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever had to do. I wanted so bad to take away his pain, but there was no way for me to shield him from this. He had just said goodbye to his “Nanny” and he knew that very soon he would have to say goodbye to his “Paw-Paw.”

We didn’t realize that those six months would actually mean approximately two more months. His “Paw-Paw” has slowly gotten sicker and these past two days have been the hardest to watch. I think they all know that the time is coming when they’re gonna have to go through the grieving process again, but I don’t think any of them want to admit it. My boyfriend says that this is just his Paw-Paw getting used to the new medications that they’ve put him on. I don’t know if he actually believes that or is just trying to make himself feel better. I don’t want to be rude to him and point out that this might be the last month he has with his Paw-Paw, but I also don’t want him to be blindsided when things go south.

I know that he’s just really devastated that his grandfather won’t be there when our child is born; that’s the only thing I’ve been able to help him with since he lost his great-grandmother. I feel the same way since losing my “Maw-Maw” a year ago. It’s hard to know that the person you lost was there for the important milestones for your other family members but can’t be there for yours. I would give anything to have her be there for my delivery and I know that my boyfriend prays that his grandfather will be there for it. I’ve been trying to get him to understand that his grandfather will be there in spirit and that he will be so proud of him.

I wish that things hadn’t happen so fast and that he didn’t have to lose two loved ones in such a close proximity, but that’s just the way God planned it out to be. I know with time that my boyfriend will be able to understand that; I just wish I could protect him from the pain and suffering that he’s going to go through. I know that there’s no way I can, but I’d do anything for this to be a time when he could just focus on being a father and not have to add heartbreak on top of it.